My struggles with adhd and how I overcome it
This will be a continuing series as it’s quite a lot of things and I can only fit so much into one blog post.
I struggled a lot with organization and keeping a clean house. I would lose things often, things would be in a pile of “important most likely”. Then I would in a panic rush through looking through my things to find the thing I needed in those piles. Sometimes I wouldn’t find it and then would ensure my self shame. Today’s topic won’t be about RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria), but some of the many tools I use to keep my place organized and clean.
I have a “do it now not later” policy. This doesn’t work for all things. What it does work for is scheduling. I use a scheduling app on my phone that has been the most consistent calendar for me because I always have my phone on me. It also reminds me as frequently as I need of my events. When I have a doctor’s appointment? I put it in the calendar immediately as I am scheduling it with the doctor. Even if that means the doctor has to wait a minute for me to fiddle with my phone. If I have a meeting with a friend (who I know also has ADHD), I will also make sure we both put it in the calendar together at the same time. If there’s is anything that requires me to be somewhere on time, I put it in immediately. This applies to bills as well. I set up the automatic payments as soon as it arrives in my hands. If I don’t have time immediately, it sits in front of me or where I absolutely cannot ignore it when I have some time to get it done.
Baskets. I use baskets to organize things more easily so that my place looks clean and I can still easily find everything I need. What’s also coupled with this is keeping these baskets where I’m actually most likely to use them. I have baskets for my skin care, another for my make up. Both are in my TV stand because I like to do these things on the couch while watching TV. I refuse to do it at the vanity so keeping it there never worked and I moved it to where I use it. I have baskets within my medicine cabinet organizing all the different things in there. Bandaids? Basket. Cold meds? Basket. Disinfectant? There’s only one so it occupies the space in between the baskets. Even my pantry is full of baskets for pasta, snacks, baking goods, seasonings etc. It also makes it look really chic and organized and when I get home from grocery shopping it’s very easy to just toss in because it is low effort (important - it must be low effort for ADHD).
I do something I call “in that direction”. I definitely stole this from an ADHD content creator but I have found it so useful in my life and for my clients. What I do is, if I’m in the living room and going to the restroom I pass the kitchen. Before I go to the restroom I check if I have something that belongs in a place on the way to the restroom. Dishes? Trash? I pick them up and take them with me and set them where they are to go. I know this can be daunting in it’s own way if it includes more steps than setting it down. What I do is just that - set it down nearest to where it is supposed to go. When I go back to the kitchen later (which I usually will) I can finish the steps to cleaning up. Trash is easy though because it just goes in the bin. Laundry is my worst nightmare, however. I will share my tips on doing the tasks that feel like screeching in your brain later, but for now when I am done I organize the folded laundry based on where it is supposed to go. Then put it back in the basket based on when I will reach those places with the basket (I usually pass the powder room first with our towels so I put the towels at the top, closet clothing is last because I get to the closet last). Then the basket goes back to it’s home.
Getting out of the doom scroll. This one is tricky because it depends on why you are stuck. Let’s imagine it’s because of the overwhelm freeze. You are overwhelmed because the task is just too big with way too many subtasks within it. For example: Cleaning the house. Cleaning the kitchen. That’s actually so many tasks! Instead I break it down into smaller things. The kitchen does need to be cleaned, but what in the kitchen needs the most cleaning right now? Even better, what in the kitchen do I have the energy to clean right now? Wipe down the countertops? Ok do that and only that. Then when you’re up, you can decide what you have the time and energy to do next. I only commit myself to one or two things and accept the rest will need to wait. If you can get into a routine that works for you where you wipe the countertop after you use it, even better. If not, that’s ok too. It’s about finding the systems that work best with you.
The most important part of all of this is to be gentle with yourself. It’s OK if you’re not good at this in the beginning. If you’re just starting out and the mess is still large, that’s OK. No one has accomplished anything in one day. Take your time and celebrate your climb to success.
Culture Shock - overcoming it
Overcoming culture shock is not easy and time is a big and important part of it.
The first and most important step is having an open mind and heart to learning. Almost like a child’s curiosity to absorb all the new things they learned flatly without any preconceived notions. You are allowed to have your own opinions, but the beginning is just being open to learning.
I’m not saying it’s easy, it absolutely isn’t when you’re already in the shock phase.
Then actively involve yourself in spaces meant for culture exchange. Meet real people in that country - those that are your regular everyday person. Immerse yourself in these new activities getting to know people genuinely. Find an activity that you enjoy that is connected to the culture. Build your community that way in these spaces.
It will absolutely feel uncomfortable often. But recognize every time it starts to feel less uncomfortable and celebrate that.
Culture Shock - The stages
Culture shock has four stages.
The Euphoria stage where everything is great. You love everything about the country. It’s novel, it’s new, it’s interested, and it’s everything your home country is not.
But then that stage wears off and comes the… Shock stage. This is where you just hate everything. You are doing what you thought was polite, but it’s not polite or not polite enough so are treated differently. You are trying to do what you think is kind, but it isn’t kind in this country. You are just trying to be, but something doesn’t match right. You miss your home country and just hate all the differences now. This stage usually comes about from something so totally different that it shakes you. Some people stay stuck in this stage forever until they leave the country or pass in that country.
If you were able to overcome the shock stage, the next is the Adjustment phase. You kind of get it now. It’s starting to make sense. This new place is still catching at your edges and it feels off still, but you’re beginning to understand it for what it is and come around to the differences. Think of it as a graph where the Euphoria stage peaks at the top of the graph, the shock stage is where it tanks, this adjustment stage is that transitional stage climbing back up again.
Finally, you reach Acceptance stage. This would be at the center or so of the graph. You’ve leveled out at a good place and now understand and accept this new place for what it is. It is different and that is ok. It’s must easier to understand and accept at this point now.
The hardest part of these stages is not knowing that what you’re going through is completely normal. Unfortunately no one hands us a 101 on Culture Shock when we move to another country. We have just had to fumble with it on our own. What you need to know is you are normal. This is all completely normal. It’s normal to feel lost, frustrated, angry even. You are not bad, wrong, or a failure for any of it. You’re just still working through the stages.
Working with, Not against, ADHD
I think we often think of any illness in really black and white terms.
If I am sick, I do treatment, I get better. Simple, effective, to the point. Right?
However, it isn’t always that simple. If your bone is broken, you can heal it sure. But if you have a long term illness that is incurable, you usually can’t just do treatment, right? You also need to change your way of living to accommodate your new reality.
It’s true for ADHD too. You need to find how you work and not against yourself. If you buy yourself a lot of planners and never use them, you aren’t suddenly going to get your life together with planners.
BUT, if you are always looking at your phone and have apps you will always look at, you can use a planning app. Bonus points if you have to share the app with someone so that you can keep on top of each other’s schedules (long term partners for example). This gives you an accountability buddy that keeps you using it.
Notice how you react to activities. Extremely adverse to physically journaling? Try voice memos instead. Perhaps you enjoy typing things out rather than physically writing anything. Always choose the thing that matches your rhythm. ADHD gives you this intense aversion to anything that feels difficult and also you’re more forgetful to top it off. The online hacks and tricks you see everywhere can and do work, it’s just about making it work for you.
I’ll give myself up as an example. The basket thing where you toss everything into a basket to keep things more organized? I use that and it works incredible for me. However, there are those color in to-do task lists I have seen floating around. My friend with ADHD loves them. Me? I cannot be bothered nor do I have the patience and would be averse to doing the task alternatively.
Just because we have ADHD doesn’t mean we all fit into the same box with the same rhythms, same likes, dislikes, or even same struggles. You are your unique you. Only you can perfect your own ADHD toolbox.
But remember - creating novelty in your life is also important. It’s OK if you need to snaz up the way you do things, even if it’s the same thing - just to keep you interested in doing them.
ADHD Blocks
What is an ADHD block?
It’s something preventing you from moving forward
Often it’s the task that feels like pulling teeth
It can be doing the laundry, folding the laundry, doing the dishes, making food, anything
Some of these might be ok for you while others feel like hell. It could be a sensory issue, that it doesn’t provide any stimulation, feels too slow, etc
But what do you do? You have to do it anyway
Couple the activity with something else, something you enjoy. For example, listen to a podcast while doing the dishes. Watch TV while folding laundry
Make sure you’re making the task doable as well. Such as bringing a basket to put the laundry in that’s easy to carry around to put it where it belongs
With activity coupling, it’ll be a lot easier to get these tasks done (especially if you don’t have the option of body doubling)
Schedule in Activity after rest
I mean this both ways. Schedule in your rest in your calendar, but also schedule in when it’s time to get on the ball again.
When you struggle with ADHD, it’s very easy to get stuck in a cycle of what you’re doing. It’s kind of an all-or-nothing cycle.
Whether that be overwhelming yourself with activities; doing too much. Or doing nothing at all.
You can end up stuck in this cycle of nothingness and feeling the guilt of that.
The way to avoid either of these extremes, is making a decision about when you’re going to start again. Do sit down and rest, but decide when you’re going to get up again whether that be 30 minute or 2 to 3 hours. You do not need to plan everything by the second or minute, that’s unsustainable. Be gentle with yourself if you need more time than you anticipated. It’s hard to understand how much down time we need sometimes.
Your body needs movement and rest, as a balance that feels impossible to maintain.
But by giving yourself deadlines, you can try to tilt yourself into the balance a little better.
Learning how to give your body enough rest and understanding when you can get up again is a skill you will need to build over time. It’s not a perfect skill either as we age every day and these limits change over time. You will constantly need to learn what works for you and what doesn’t. But that’s OK.
All of us are tumbling along doing the same exact thing - constantly learning about our bodies and how to live a good life. Be kind as you learn this skill to take a hold of your life and move it in the direction you want.
How not to crash out
When someone really hurts you, it honestly feels like the best way to get back at them is to crash out.
But in our daily lives that isn’t always the option we can take, is it?
Sometimes we’re at work or this specific relationship needs maintaining for some reason or the other. It could be that you need that relationship for survival right now. It could be that maybe your emotions are heightened and you don’t want to crash out on this person because it’s unfair to them. I’m sure there are many other reasons here too.
So how do you stop yourself from crashing out? What is the magic that can help you maintain your emotions, especially if you struggle with RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria).
Honestly? Take a break for some “me” time before you respond.
Take the rest of the day off work if that’s an option for you. I know that it’s a privilege not all of us can do. If it’s not something you can do, create some distance between yourself and that person. Take a 10-minute break here and there throughout the day and just breathe, look at something that soothes you (flowers, your pets, kids - yours not random kids).
Breathe, think, feel, do soothing activities within your ability to do them.
Call a friend over if you can and spend time with them after work.
Someone who loves you just being there with you can help you feel better.
Even if you aren’t ready to talk about it yet, being in their presence can help. If you are ready, venting to them will help process it all.
Avoid being alone and ruminating. If you’re an introvert and want to manage your emotions, that’s ok. You can take a walk, do some art, something that releases the negative energy and allows you to process the emotions so that you can come back calm and collected. This will look different for everyone. They call ADHD and neurodivergence a spectrum for a reason; we’re all so very different even within the same symptomatic mess.
The next day, you can try to address what happened in a more professional manner after you’ve had a moment to chill. Taking a break to heal that inner hurt is really important. Even if it’s a romantic relationship, being clear and letting your partner know you need a moment to process will make a great difference in your relationship satisfaction.
Remember, we’re all human and we all fuck up. It’s more about the recovery and how well you can do it that will turn the tables for good.
Like all things, it’s a skill we learn. It’s ok if you’re used to crashing out every day and while practicing this you only crashed out 6 times instead of 7 this week. That’s still progress. Celebrate every step forward while you try to reduce the habit that is harming you.
How to turn negative self talk around
It sounds simple, and people who have a positive internal voice make it seem so simple
Are you telling me your internal voice isn’t telling you that your coworker hates you because they didn’t smile once?
This is often caused by trauma in your life. It could be from any one point in your childhood, an old workplace where you experienced harassment, or a partner that was abusive. Regardless of where it come from, now you’re continuing their abuse in your own head to yourself.
But how do you change it? How do you undo the damage?
It’s a skill you need to build. No one is innately good at anything, including positive self talk. (Unless they are a rare person without much if any trauma). The way you speak to yourself isn’t going to change tomorrow just because you want that to be true. It’s only going to change with continuous effort. Just like if you want to be good at drawing, you practice. If you want to be good at playing guitar, you practice. If you want to be good at speaking kindly to yourself, you practice.
Challenge that voice. “They didn’t smile at me so they hate me” -> “I can’t see into their mind, they might just be having a bad day that has nothing to do with me”
“I made a mistake. I can never get it right. Why am I like this? -> “I don’t think about new learners like this. I never judge them this harshly when they’re learning, so why would I do that to myself?”
Challenge yourself at least once a day
One day you’ll notice the resistance to being kind to yourself will be gone
Why I won’t use AI
AI has a lot of pros and cons.
On one hand it can help doctors find cancer more quickly, on the other hand it has learned to lie to us on occasion
But why won’t I try to make my job easier with AI for content creation?
I work in a field of human connection. My clients want to see the human they will be working with, not AI generated content.
Another reason is security
I don’t think AI should have access to my client’s private information in my emails. You sign on with me expecting that I maintain your privacy, and I intend to keep that promise.
Therefore, I will continue to write and create my own content so that you can see who I am and rest assured that I will protect your confidentiality.
Perhaps some day when localized AI with better security features are available I will consider it. However, at this moment I won’t take that risk in consideration of my clients.
Rest feels guilty
I am a human just like you, and sometimes struggle with being a human with ADHD too. I hope by sharing my story, it can help you learn a little about yourself as well.
Recently, if you have noticed from the inactivity on my website, I took a long break from working on this business.
I felt guilty. But I couldn’t always put a finger on where the feeling was coming from. I was often contributing it to other things like the current state of the world (which is stressful).
I had put all this time and money into my schooling, websites, etc just to play it safe and focus on getting a paycheck and relaxing after work. I convinced myself that the 9 to 5 to pay the bills might be enough. I finally got into a healthy work environment. This is a place I didn’t think could exist working for a company and it was comfortable. But I still was craving more.
I always wanted to work on my own business and more importantly I always wanted to do something that genuinely helps people. I cannot feel satisfied being stagnant at a company, even if it is comfortable.
Don’t get me wrong. Rest is very important. The break I took was necessary because I realized that I was burned out from the constant hustle to survive since I graduated college. Here I was presented with genuine opportunity for real rest and relaxation. I needed that to reset my nervous system from constant fight or flight to a real state of peacefulness. However, as necessary as it was, I also used rest to ignore what was blocking me from achieving my goals with this business. I could feel after some time that something was missing. In my gut I needed to make a change and the rest became stressful.
I have a business coach myself. And they helped me realize that my block was simple. I hadn’t figured out who my demographic was. If I don’t know that, how will I know how to build my business? I was dreading it because I didn’t have direction so I couldn’t even take the first steps towards success.
And that’s how ADHD works sometimes. You have to understand what your block is. What is your wall, mountain, or whatever visual works for you to describe your obstacle. Define it. Then overcome it.
Once I defined it, it was like the floodgates opened. Now I can do anything. I’m on a roll that won’t stop now that I defined my block and climbed over it.
So rest, please do. But if it feels guilty, try to sit with that feeling and ask yourself, “Am I using rest to avoid something else?”
How to escape a rut
I struggled with this recently myself.
What am I doing with my life?
I was becoming a real life coach potato and could swear I felt the roots forming into the fabric of my sofa.
How do I escape it?
First, recognize your circumstances. The cold and stomach flu were going around and I caught all of them. I was unwell for nearly all of January.
What I needed was grace for myself.
Recovering from a health episode takes time. Time that our current world ignores and pushes us to jump to the task when perhaps it’s still too soon. Then I needed to enter into my routine and get my body moving to help dissolve those potato roots. This is progress and this is productive. Once I started feeling stronger, I focused on eating meals that fueled me and made my body feel great. It may take time to reach your goals and you’ll have ups and downs just like I did. But that’s ok. Our bodies are not made of metal, they’re made of organic material. Organic material needs rest. Heck a computer will overheat if you have it on too long and don’t care for it.
Have grace for yourself and treat yourself with care. Your goals will still be there.