ADHD and Relationships
ADHD can impact our relationships.
Relationships are hard already, but having ADHD can impact our relationships in other ways.
Forgetting people exist, hyperfocusing on a special interest, disorganization are all common traits we struggle with, but so do our friends, partners, and work relationships.
The point here is not to blame ourselves for our challenges, but to take accountability and responsibility in our growth and tools to mitigate impact.
Do communicate. If you notice that there is impact due to your struggles, communicate that. How you communicate it will depend on the situation. But for example:
Person A (NT): “Talked about something they find important.”
Person B (ADHD): “I am very sorry. Auditory processing just did not work. I do want to hear what you said, can you repeat?”
Another option if the environment is too distracting for you to give them attention is to:
Person B (ADHD): “I am so sorry. All that’s going on is quite distracting, can we switch to a text convo or switch locations/wait til this is over so I can hear you out with my full attention?”
Here you are recognizing and acknowledging the impact, taking responsibility, and providing a solution so that you two may move forward. These are the happy 3 steps.
Always 1. Acknowledge 2. Take responsibility 3. Provide a solution
Without finding a way to move forward, you are unable to repair and maintain the relationship. In some cases, like at work, it may not be safe to be as honest. However, you can still do the happy 3 steps without admitting to your ADHD. Do not allude to ADHD but instead acknowledge the impact alone.
Example:
Boss: There were many deadlines for these things and they weren’t done.
You: I understand. I wasn’t as organized as I needed to be and unfortunately fell short. I have made plan A, plan B, and plan C now to improve upon this for the future.
You are still accomplishing what is necessary without making the environment unsafe for you.
This isn’t to say that you should never ask for help. Ask for help where you need it.
One example is from with my partner recently. We are having a potluck dinner party at my place and I have chickens that need defrosting.
Red: “I have put a reminder in the calendar, and I will try to remind myself as well. However, please remind me to take the chicken out of the freezer by Friday morning. You are my backup plan in case the others fail.”
Red’s partner: “I see. Just in case, right? Friday morning?”
Red: “Yes, thank you.”
We have other small things we do as well such as body doubling. We fold laundry together as I often forget it and it’s one of those tasks I hate so much I need to do it with something. He will send me reminders to do things as well. We will figure out solutions for problems together (can’t remember to change the sheets so it’s now in a shared calendar app, etc).
It’s important to remember all of these things: you are not alone, asking for help is OK, make sure you’re taking responsibility and putting in effort for yourself.
